Soul's Release

Of Friends

2010-06-07T19:34:00.000+07:00

Friends can be infuriating. They can annoy you to the point you want to bang their heads onto the wall, they can piss you off like hell, and sometimes they sure can scare the shit out of you.

But they're also your people, the ones to whom you put your trust in, to whom you trust the key to the skeleton in your closet, to whom you're able to bare your soul and not be ashamed of it. They'll be there even when you tell them to go away or to leave you alone.

They're there to harass and take care of you. For the rest of your life. Even when you think you don't deserve it.

[Poem]: Dalam Sakuku

2010-06-07T19:33:00.001+07:00

Dalam Sakuku

Dalam sakuku aku menyimpan rumah pasir yang kau bangun untukku hari itu. Aku menjaga menara-menaranya agar bendera yang kau letakkan di sana tak berhenti berkibar. Dinding-dindingnya kukenali dengan baik, butir demi butir, seperti mereka mengenali tanganmu yang telah menyusun mereka. Pintu-pintunya kubiarkan terbuka agar kau bisa pulang kapan saja.

Dalam sakuku aku menyimpan sekeping kenangan tentangmu.

[Poem]: I'm Pinocchio

2010-06-07T19:32:00.000+07:00

I'm Pinocchio

I'm Pinocchio ripping out this heart of wood off my chest, this wittered scabbard, this hard-bitten desperation, this longing to be near you, this wanting to be yours.

I'm Pinocchio dreaming of having a heart of flesh and blood.

Memanggul Mimpi

2010-06-07T19:30:00.001+07:00

Memanggul Mimpi

- Untuk Bintang Pramodana

Hari ini Paskah. Selamat Paskah untuk teman-teman yang merayakan. Hari ini Minggu, tapi bukan seperti Minggu-minggu biasa. Bukan Minggu seadanya. Hari ini seseorang yang sangat saya sayangi merayakan hari lahir. Selamat ulang tahun, mu.

Hari ini terbit juga sebuah tulisan dari mu lain yang penting bagi saya.

Pagi datang dan saya membaca tulisannya yang terkirim nun jauh dari tanah asing. Ya, saya tahu beberapa bulan terakhir ini dia mengembara, menjejakkan kakinya di tanah air Indonesia, melihat sudut-sudut Indonesia yang bahkan tidak bisa saya bayangkan, menyaksikan manusia-manusia Indonesia bergulat dengan dan dalam hidupnya.

Dia seorang dokter.

Saya ingat dulu dia pernah bilang bahwa alasannya jadi dokter adalah demi profesi itu sendiri. Luhur dan mengabdi. Lalu saya bayangkan bahwa suatu hari nanti dia bakal bergabung dengan NGO seperti MSF atau semacamnya. Membaca tulisannya pagi ini, saya tahu bahwa dia dekat, dekat sekali dengan mimpi itu. Dan saya salut kepada orang-orang yang berani nangis darah buat mewujudkan mimpinya. Atau dalam kata-katanya, his little fight. Dan saya tahu dia bisa. Meskipun saya sempat olahraga jantung ketika dia menulis bahwa bosnya bertanya apakah dia siap dikirim ke Jalur Gaza atau Sudan, salut saya tidak berubah. Salut, beribu salut. Di kepala saya cuma ada kata-kata, That's your dream, that's your life, that's you.

Namanya Bintang.

Saya cuma ingin diberi kesempatan untuk berkata langsung kepadanya: "Boleh saja bintang jatuh, tapi kamu tidak boleh jatuh."

Dia pahlawan saya. Karena dia memanggul juga mimpi orang-orang yang ingin mewujudkan mimpi sepertinya. Karena dia berani mewujudkan mimpinya. Karena itulah, dalam doa saya namanya selalu saya sebut.

Hari ini. Tulisannya (meski bukan cuma untuk saya). Kenangan itu. Mimpi masa depan, baik mimpinya maupun mimpi saya. Saya begitu diberkati. Terima kasih, Tuhan.

Di Apartemen the Series

2010-06-07T19:24:00.006+07:00

My latest try writing for a new, metro universe.

Two people. Two different views. One shared room.

Di Apartemen

(1) Di Apartemen
(2) Kacamata
(3) Sandal
(4) Mesin Espresso

PLAGIARISM.

2010-01-21T22:46:00.001+07:00

I'm no longer a fan of Naruto, but even I could still get riled because of this:

Naburo - an Indonesian Naruto-plagiarized (in Indonesian).

Well, WTF. I don't care if the creator said they wanted to "continuing Kishimoto-sensei's dream" and blah blah blah. I don't care if they claim to push local comic books forward. Even English-speaking fans have been talking about it already, shame on us. There's a petition (in Indonesian) to take it down from any shelves. The publisher, Solomon Group, also has published Ben 12 (from Ben 10) and Naruto vs. Avatar and what they did is just. So. Disgusting. Even a doujinshi would be much more enjoyable than this.

Still, this is what we get for allowing and nurturing this--this mentality, this cowardly behavior of a plagiarist and do nothing about it.

Shame on them, yes. And on us.

2010-01-02T22:14:00.000+07:00

Selamat Tahun Baru.
(tanpa tanda seru)

Of a Church Been Burnt Down: O Nation, My Nation!

2009-12-20T13:20:00.003+07:00

Some people refer to Indonesia as model country for practicing pluralism, respect for the different and being diversely rich yet united in one nation. It's our pride, the only thing we could be proud of among all the disasters, mismanagement and tragedies resulting from our own wrongdoings. Our top politicians boast off that regard, our white collars stake their business upon that ground and our blue-collars embody it in their lives. We've done so without ever thinking that it's all but fragile.

We are a fragile nation.

We've been a fledgling democratic nation torn by sectarian conflicts and religious clashes right after we decided to start our first tentative step into 'true freedom' after being throttled for 32 years. We've let wolves slip not-so quietly among us. We've let churches be burnt, be torn down, be tainted sacrilegiously.

And still we've never learned.

And up to this day, my heart still bleed for you, Indonesia.

* * *

On December 17, 2009, people including women and their very young children from an unknown group attacked the currently constructed St Albertus Catholic Church in Bekasi, Indonesia. Whoever they are, the damage was committed. The attack has been investigated ever since, but my underline is that it's not the first time (nor it'll be the last time). Without any need to be suspicious or exaggerating, I only want to ask my country, my nation and my fellow citizens, "Why do you abandon us?"

TEN Things About New Moon that You Like (and I Don't)

2009-12-01T01:04:00.001+07:00

TEN Things About New Moon that You Like (and I Don't)

Beware the sparkles, though.

Pagi Hari di Jalan Kompleks

2009-11-22T22:20:00.001+07:00

Pagi Hari di Jalan Kompleks

Pagi itu kita berdua berjalan bersama, menyusuri
jalan kompleks yang basah tersiram hujan semalam.
Arloji di tanganmu mati, dua jarumnya bertumpuk jadi satu,
lalu kau mengetuknya, sekali, dua kali, mendekatkannya
ke telingamu, katamu, "Aku masih punya lima menit lagi."
Tanganku mencari tanganmu agar aku bisa mengukir lima menitmu,
tapi mungkin, mungkin punggungmu tidak.

Di ujung jalan pohon angsana merunduk, tua,
sepi, ingin bertanya kepadamu,
"Siapa gerangan yang ada di sampingmu?"

Di belakang anjing kita mengikuti dengan setia.

Cawang, 21 November 2009.

Also posted here.

A Series of Poem

2009-11-21T20:27:00.003+07:00

[hatred]

I despise being
hungry but don't know what to eat,
sleepy but don't know where to sleep,
lonely but don't know who to turn to.

[wants]

I want to stand in the rain with you.
I want to share an umbrella with you.
I want you to take me home as we listen to the rain.

[empty dreams]

I dreamed of being a space pilot.
I dreamed of being a man on the moon.
I dreamed of being anyone but me.
It's a dream without a dream!

Home

2009-11-21T20:16:00.000+07:00

And in your arms
the day slows and fades out.

I'm home.

Fear

2009-11-21T20:06:00.001+07:00

As our eyes met, I broke it.
As your smile reached me, mine died.
As you came to me, I froze.

And I kill kill kill.

Dukung Komisi Pemberantasan Korupsi!

2009-11-01T09:48:00.001+07:00

Teman-teman,

Pada saat kekuasaan menunjukkan arogansinya, jangan kita tinggal diam. Pakai baju hitammu pada Senin, 2 November 2009 untuk menunjukkan dukungan kepada KPK. Tidak, kita tidak mendukung individu. Kita mendukung gerakan agar nyala api kecil di tengah gelap itu tetap menyala. Kita mendukung gerakan untuk masa depan Indonesia.

Mungkin hanya ini yang bisa kita lakukan, tapi biarkan mereka tahu bahwa kita ada.

Untuk Indonesia.

He that delivered me unto thee hath the greater sin. (John 19:11)

2009-10-17T22:25:00.001+07:00

di kacamu bulir-bulir air berkejaran.
di pohonmu buah-buah randu meretak, putih.
di tengah hujanmu aku menulis puisi bagimu, Mu.

(di Jalan TB Simatupang, depan Citos, 7 Oktober 2009)

My Interests Range from Archaeology to Vladimir Nabokov and from Johan Cruijff to Hijikata Toshizou

2009-09-23T21:32:00.003+07:00

Done with a LiveJournal meme about some interests I put on my profile page.

anoyo picked for me: archaeology, fernando pessoa, hijikata toshizou, johan cruijff, minashiro soushi, soekarno, vladimir nabokov

Read more here.

To All Who Celebrate

2009-09-20T00:25:00.003+07:00

To all who celebrate, I'm wishing you a very happy Eid al Fitri. May all your worship and service of God be worthy in His eyes.

To President SBY, may you prove me wrong for believing that your popularity matters more than Bhinneka Tunggal Ika since you've done nothing regarding legalized Aceh's qanun.

To Indonesia's new legislators, may you not be fanatical loots and insensitive scoundrels any more than the people think you already have.

To religious hard-liners, may you be the last in your line.

To all non-Moslem, let's wish our Moslem brothers and sisters a happy day because we pray to the same God and that's that.

To all Indonesians, may all your prayer be done in action also.

Warmest,
me

Kuhentikan Hujan (Sapardi Djoko Damono)

2009-09-05T14:09:00.004+07:00

Here is one my favorite rain-themed poems, written by Sapardi Djoko Damono, a living legend and one of the best Indonesian poets if not the best himself.

(click on the title to head to my LJ)

Updates

2009-08-12T21:12:00.005+07:00

How's life been treating you, friengers? :)

Here are some updates from my LJ. (Some of them are locked, so you may only see the update if you have a LiveJournal account.)

♥ on Shin Tennis no Ohjisama chapter 11.
♥ latest trailer for The Lost Canvas OVA and Ouran chapter 73.
♥ rants of joy over James A Owen's Here, There Be Dragons. Because it is. So. Much. Love.
♥ Which Bleach character are you? I'm 100% Gin. LOL
♥ on Jakarta bombings, July 17. We unite; therefore, we shall not fall.

I Quite Hate the Deathly Hallows Because of...

2009-07-01T23:58:00.000+07:00

Okay, ladies (and a few gentlemen), so! While waiting for July 16, let’s refresh our minds (if we still have the right ones) with some bits and bites from our beloved franchise’s last book Deathly Hallows.

Hedwig’s death. I demand PETA’s presence and advocating for this, period.
No more Gred and Feorge. Er, I mean, Fred and George. It’s like Jacko without his nose. Er, yeah. Whatever.
The nasty things She did to Snape. If you might notice, pardon my borrowing Dylan’s genius, it’s Like a Rowling Stone. The things got worse and worse and voila! We got Albus Severus. Why not Severus Albus?
Look at Lupin’s family romance—which is unimaginable. Ewww me for I cannot unlook. Or better, ewww Her.
The nastiest of all evils She has ever done: Ginny. It’s ewwwer than #4. I could still pardon if The One ended up with Cho, but Ginny? I mean, why not Hermione? Ever since Prisoner, I’ve seen The Force for Harry/Hermione. And I am SO against her ending up with Ron. I mean, okay, it’s a sidekick’s destiny to pair up with another sidekick (no matter how miserable that is, really), but! But! I guess The Force isn’t really strong in that department.

You might take this as a mad fan’s mad ramblings of impetuous nonsense, but boy, am I not really a fan—not that mad, that is. Just the ramblings, my friends. Just the ramblings. Right, Master Yoda?

Shin Tennis no Ohjisama

2009-06-22T23:00:00.007+07:00

I have to admit I've just caught up with the recent scanlations of Shin Tennis no Ohjisama. Holy hell, TK paired up everyone with his partner and savagely dropped one of the pair. How cruel, TK. *is bricked*

Chapter 7 ends with a premonition for Sanada vs. Yukimura match. My bet? Sanada. Yukimura is, so far, Echizen's strongest opponent, but Sanada has more colors. Er, I mean, vibrancy. Er, whatever.

Oh well. Go find the links for DL at Mangahelpers or read at Mangafox.

Indonesian Bus, Japanese Anime

2009-06-21T21:11:00.005+07:00

Came across this bus on Tomang toll road. And was in awe at that time. It's so gorgeous though I don't get the links between the characters. I mean, it's got CCS's Sakura and Tomoyo with Yuugi-Oh's Yuugi on the sides and Naruto's Naruto and Sasuke on the rear. Oh well.

Sanada G. and Yukimura S.

2009-06-12T23:33:00.003+07:00

This is my most favorite fanart of Rikkaidai's Sanada Genichirou and Yukimura Seiichi together I've ever drawn. And I did this drawing without models, unlike usual. :)

Shounen Manga!

2009-06-12T23:19:00.003+07:00

List down first, more comments later. Here are some series I follow nowadays. Their number doesn't mean they're listed by favoritism.

If there's anything that connect them all, it's that they're all wonderful series with the ability to make you laugh until your stomach hurt and weep until you bleed.

1. Fullmetal Alchemist (Arakawa Hiromu)
2. Chrono Crusade (Moriyama Daisuke)
3. The Lost Canvas (Teshirogi Shiori & Kurumada Masami)
4. Dear Boys II (Yagami Hiroki)
5. Bleach (Kubo Tite) and Saiyuuki series (Minekura Kazuya)

And don't ask me where Naruto is. I've given up on it ever since its story become wayward.

Car Accident

2009-06-09T10:42:00.002+07:00

I got in a car accident on Sunday, and you could read the chronology here.

Say Farewell to Arms

2009-06-05T09:18:00.002+07:00

To Indonesians and Malaysians, do stop. Leave the war off your talk. Don't hop into it. You don't need any.

Say farewell to arms.

Well, unless you're an undignified, war-mongering thief, that is.

The Coolest, Toughest, Best Car Ever Made

2009-06-03T22:18:00.004+07:00

I'm browsing around just to end up in front up these very cool and worth-watching Beetle ads. Watch, folks, and reel. Viva Volks!

Remember, folks: It's not a car. It's a Volkswagen.

Shoujo Manga!

2009-05-25T21:43:00.003+07:00

I don't really read shoujo series, but here are some of a few series that I follow (loyally, zealously, religiously :D).

1. Kaze Hikaru (Watanabe Taeko)

I have to admit that this one is my all-time favourite shoujo manga. I always like Watanabe-sensei's works (e.g. Family!). Kaze Hikaru follows the life of Tominaga Sei in the legendary male-exclussive Shinsen corps as Kamiya Seizaburou. A gender bender, you might say. But no, it's more than just that. I learn so much about the history of Japan during the Bakumatsu from this series. Though sometimes Kaze Hikaru falls to justify its characters' deeds somewhere along the line of 'everyone-is-a-good-person-beneath,' it balances the nuances by down-to-earth dan painfully realistic human characters. Hijikata Toshizou-fukuchou for example. How come he's not my Shinsengumi favourite character from what Kaze Hikaru shows me? In fact, Watanabe-sensei really gave her all and more in her dedication to details and historical facts. And, Lord, the humour. It'll just crack you up!

I'll be more than happy to talk more about Kaze Hikaru, but that'll consume half of your life. :D

2. Ouran Koukou Host Club (Hatori Bisco)
Alright, this one is popular. It's pink, it's crazy and it's craptastic. Although it'll be sad, I'm eagerly waiting to see the (hopefully satisfying) end.

3. Nodame Cantabile (Ninomiya Tomoko)
You can't call yourself a shoujo fan if you don't read Nodame. Its characters are all antiheroes, the against-the-dogma, typical characters. They're dorks with dorky problems and dorky lives. And it's not a story about normal people, mind you. And it's sooo good it makes you giddy. And for once in an epic lifetime, a drama adaptation looks a good adaption. Indeed.

4. Mekakushi no Kuni (Tsukuba Sakura) and Kanata Kara (Hikawa Kyoko)
I don't really like fantasy shoujo manga, but these two are my exception. If it isn't because of Mekakushi, I won't be a fan of Tsukuba-sensei. From teens dealing with their supernatural (I really, really try to avoid this word, honestly) gifts to problems with parental figures, Mekakushi is one good series that will make you go "Oooh, I see..." in the end. As for Kanata Kara, it makes me think that, well, sometimes, a demon-incarnated hero, dragons and monsters get along with a stranded girl. :)

5. Hanazakari no Kimi-tachi E (Nakajo Hisaya)
I'm NOT talking about the drama adaptations (yes, plural). Stop ruining my Hanakimi; I don't need disillusionment, thank you. :D

The Black Mages' One-Winged Angel

2009-05-04T17:29:00.004+07:00

He's one of the composers I respect the most. Here's Uematsu-sensei and his Black Mages (in hakama!). FF VII's One-Winged Angel is one of the most known, if not the most known itself, game themes and in The Black Mages' hands, it's simply majestic.

See the keyboardist? Yep. That's the god.

Songstress!

2009-05-04T16:58:00.003+07:00

♥ Sarah Brightman. From her Phantom days til today, she's on the top of my list. A polyglot singer, songwriter, stage actress and dancer, people call her the perfect crossover soprano. One day I must-must-must watch her live.

♥ Sarah McLachlan. Can you believe that she once dreamed of being a rockstar? I'm glad she isn't one. One of the founders of Lilith Fair, I found myself bedazzled by her lyrics and simple yet moving music. From Fumbling Towards Ecstasy to B-Side, I hold my breath. I also often make writings based on her songs. :)

♥ Vienna Teng. I'm always fond of chamber music, and she's good. Good like good. Yeah. And the lyrics, oh Lord. Take, for example, Eric's Song, Between and Enough to Go By. They kill you, in a good way. What a way to die.

♥ Sara Bareilles. Two Sarah, and the third is Sara. I see a pattern here. *laugh* I was surprised to know that she's a friend of Marron 5 from their Kara's Flowers days. In 2007, she's the opening artist for Paolo Nutini (another artist I like), Aqualung, James Blunt and... Maroon 5. Oh well. Talent recognizes talent, so Sherlock said.

♥ Sakamoto Maaya. From Platina to Ao no Ether, from Cloud #9 to Okitegami, just trust Maaya-tan. She's worked with Gabriela Robin, Kanno Yoko and Steve Conte. she's the seiyuu of Ouran Koukou's Haruhi, Star Wars' Padme Amidala (Japan release--imagine how thrilled I was), Kuroshitsuji's Ciel Phantomhive and FF VII Advent Children's Aerith Gainsborough. Yep, she's just that talented. One more thing: she likes Maroon 5. :D

♥ Berlian Hutauruk. 'Nuff said. She could do from opera to pop, from religious ballads to roman picisan. I haven't seen anyone like her ever again. Not even DI3VA. Bleargh.

More bands to listen to

2009-04-29T21:01:00.003+07:00

Remember, buddies, they're bands. Now off we go.

♥ Stars. Because they're stars. :D I recommend songs like Barricade, Take Me to the Riot, and In Our Bedroom after the War from their 2007 album. When I introduced Barricade to him, Wonderbra's Nosa Normanda said he liked the song for "bringing something good out of the violence."

♥ The Decemberist. I believe Tyas Palar have more to say than I do. *winks* My favorite song? Of Angels and Angles.

♥ Broken Social Scene. I recommend Lover's Spit simply because it's so good it hurts. I'm Still Your Fag and Stars and Sons are also good for starter. :)

♥ Belle & Sebastian. Glasgow boys knew best. :) It's old, I know, but who cares about age? They play good, and they're good. Try their If You're Feeling Sinister.

♥ sid (シド). If you like Acid Black Cherry, you'll like sid. Their song Uso (Lie) is used for the first ending song of Hagaren: Brotherhood, by the way.

My Must-listen List

2009-04-19T17:16:00.004+07:00

Five artists whose songs (yes, plural) I put in my iPod, play regularly and devotedly listen to:

♥ Paolo Nutini. His These Streets album is made of win. And I don't even like James Blunt. :D

♥ Scott Weiland. Only one song, though: Barbarella. Especially the duet version with Cyndi Lauper. Mmmmm. Scott that? ;>

♥ Rufus Wainwright. It would be a miracle-by-grace if he does release a best-hit-collection. But his Release the Stars album is the greatest homosecks album that my heterosecks ears have ever listened. Viva Rufus! :D

♥ FictionJunction (yes, without space). Because it's Kajiura-sama, my Mother Mary of Music. And the Everlasting Songs album is my sorta Bible. XD I have to admit that I'm very tempted to put Akeboshi here, though.

♥ Kaoru Kukita's Ghibli the Classic and Uematsu Nobuo's Final Fantasy VII Advent Children Complete CDs. For the first: it's Ghibli, it's classic, and though KK is in no way a Ludwig or a Wolfgang Amadeus, the compositions are ♥. For the second: *sigh* really, do you have to ask? Oh well. It's Uematsu, it's rock that rocks, it's classic that is epic, it's FF VII, it's just it is.

[Poem]: Two old poems

2009-03-03T20:31:00.004+07:00

Two old poems. First posted in LJ. I am Indonesia's lost child, and I hope to heaven for not too long.

The Unholy Trinity of Indonesia, Indifference and I

There is something going on when the representative body makes a fuss over a song, a song that get you cornered, naked, revealed to a split-second of numb shame. There is something going on when your few old men are on the top, your ministers preach and daydream, your politicians eat shit. There is something going on when the almighty censorship makes me limited from, cut down from, estranged from what I deserve to know. There is something going on when planes crash and lost, ships sink, trains wreck. There is something going on when there is a mud pit of greed, apathy, distance and we all climb a little higher just to fall a little faster. There is something going on when avian influenza, malnutrition, tropical diseases are sweeping us your children down, wild, free, uncontrolled. There is something going on when we kill, spit blood, condemn with God on our sides, His Holy Verses on our hands, His Holy Name on our tongues. There is something going on when TV shows and radio programs and newspapers lie, cover, falsify, beautify. There is something going on when your land and sea give naught but hunger and anger. There is something going on when we all walk this endless, cold, forlorn journey to the night. There is, Indonesia, there is, there is!

Too long I have sat in my corner, Indonesia, because you give me nothing, say nothing, let me do nothing. Too long I have put you deep in the corner of my heart, you of the gentle smile and even gentler eyes I don’t know anymore. Too long I have covered my ears from your voice, voice of the myriads of thoughts, paths, colors. Too long I have lost you and now we are mere strangers in the shell of lovers.

And I am to do nothing, Indonesia, because you don’t let me do something. And I watch you suffer, tremble, struggle to pull yourself together. And I choose to not choose, to not vote, to not hope. And I am a butterfly who dreams, a deer who listens, a dog who accompanies. And I ask myself if you are my home, because home is a place to return to. And I am alone and lonely.

I am part of this frustrated generation. I am part of this generation, my mind befuddled, my stand lost in space. I am part of this generation, forced to sit in the corner, teeth gritted, fist tightened. I am part of this generation, left with no escape, no way out, no return. I am part of this generation, forced to not remember though can’t forget.

I am part of this unholy trinity.

==========

Into the Ears of Dangdut

How would you understand Indonesia when you don’t understand her soul, glaring and resilient and fierce, in the soul of dangdut?

It is in the hips-shaking, shoulders-rolling, limb-twisting dance of migrant workers and garment factory labors, janitors of mighty universities and security guards of international corporations, and street-sellers and house caretakers.

It is in the dance of parents who can’t afford their children’s school allowances, men who lost their dignity along with their houses in a giant mud lake of greed and ignorance, wives who dried their tears with dirt-caked hands and mere will.

It is in the dance of children who couldn’t afford Playstations, internet connections and iPods, children who were raped, sodomized, and brutalized in the streets, children who were abandoned.

Dangdut is ours and even Malaysia, Japan or even the US can’t rob it from us as they did our folk songs, tempe and sovereignty.

Dangdut is ours, even when Goenawan talked about God and His unfinished things, Roy about cybernetic totems of technology, and Ba’asyir about his shitty dream of Indonesian khilafah.

Dangdut is ours, even when I don’t know you anymore, Java, with your families who won’t understand if I were slashed, unmarried and childless, if I were not a blue-collar worker with boring routine and were worked to death, if I were not myself.

I am techno, bubblegum pop, classics, keroncong, la cumbia, and above all dangdut. I am Monday to Sunday, Sabang to Merauke, Hatta to Tan Malaka, and above all dangdut. I am Munir to Wawan, Sapardi to Widji Tukul, and above all dangdut. I am the one whom words are emboldened, brazened and shouted as you dance, for I am everyone and everywhere and I am no one and no where.

Therefore I can’t condemn dangdut, no I can’t, even when Mr. President was busy with his romanticized music, the uleemas conducted gory affairs, and Rhoma denied the existence of his bazillion ethereal harems. And still I dance with the people to understand them. And lie in the bed I’ve made we do, we do, because it says, “Come into my ears, into my ears, my ears.” So we do.

Therefore, this is how I sing and thus ridicule myself, because I’m not the sun and the state isn’t me, not Ginsberg or Whitman or Emerson, just a little heap of total joke trying to breathe.

O the soul of Indonesia, misunderstood and looked down, with all the brain drain, train of self-mocking, and political mutilation, o the mockery of the buffoons!

This is not the destruction of our time; this is not the deregulation of mass genocide; this is the structural intellectual deficiency; this is not our last dance; this is just the cheesiest bunch of lines I’ve ever written in self-humiliation and cosmic joke.

This is just ours!

Two old poems

2009-03-03T20:31:00.001+07:00

Two old poems. First posted in LJ. I am Indonesia's lost child, and I hope to heaven for not too long.

The Unholy Trinity of Indonesia, Indifference and I

There is something going on when the representative body makes a fuss over a song, a song that get you cornered, naked, revealed to a split-second of numb shame. There is something going on when your few old men are on the top, your ministers preach and daydream, your politicians eat shit. There is something going on when the almighty censorship makes me limited from, cut down from, estranged from what I deserve to know. There is something going on when planes crash and lost, ships sink, trains wreck. There is something going on when there is a mud pit of greed, apathy, distance and we all climb a little higher just to fall a little faster. There is something going on when avian influenza, malnutrition, tropical diseases are sweeping us your children down, wild, free, uncontrolled. There is something going on when we kill, spit blood, condemn with God on our sides, His Holy Verses on our hands, His Holy Name on our tongues. There is something going on when TV shows and radio programs and newspapers lie, cover, falsify, beautify. There is something going on when your land and sea give naught but hunger and anger. There is something going on when we all walk this endless, cold, forlorn journey to the night. There is, Indonesia, there is, there is!

Too long I have sat in my corner, Indonesia, because you give me nothing, say nothing, let me do nothing. Too long I have put you deep in the corner of my heart, you of the gentle smile and even gentler eyes I don’t know anymore. Too long I have covered my ears from your voice, voice of the myriads of thoughts, paths, colors. Too long I have lost you and now we are mere strangers in the shell of lovers.

And I am to do nothing, Indonesia, because you don’t let me do something. And I watch you suffer, tremble, struggle to pull yourself together. And I choose to not choose, to not vote, to not hope. And I am a butterfly who dreams, a deer who listens, a dog who accompanies. And I ask myself if you are my home, because home is a place to return to. And I am alone and lonely.

I am part of this frustrated generation. I am part of this generation, my mind befuddled, my stand lost in space. I am part of this generation, forced to sit in the corner, teeth gritted, fist tightened. I am part of this generation, left with no escape, no way out, no return. I am part of this generation, forced to not remember though can’t forget.

I am part of this unholy trinity.

2009-03-03T20:31:00.000+07:00

Two old poems. First posted in LJ. I am Indonesia's lost child, and I hope to heaven I will be found.

The Unholy Trinity of Indonesia, Indifference and I

I am part of this unholy trinity.

Urasawa's Naoki Pluto

2009-02-01T01:12:00.005+07:00

You see, I have this kind of antagonistic sentiments regarding spin offs (or in my own words, the so-called legal fanfic) that are not done by the original author. Some apt examples would be the continuations for Sherlock Holmes series that's not written by A.C. Doyle or Middle Earth fantasies not done by J.R.R. Tolkien.

But this. This. ZOMG.

Urasawa Naoki's Pluto is one kick ass of a work. I don't care if it's a fanfic or a tribute work or spin-whatever. It's simply marvelous. I've already been a fan of Tezuka Osamu's Tetsuwan Atom (honest!), and boy, do I really love Pluto. He even had the guts to kill off Atom (that's Urasawa-sensei's Atom in the picture ♥). XDDD From the setting of Thracia vs Persia (Bush's invasion on Saddam's Iraq, anyone?) to the modern KKK-like, from the characterization of the strongest robots (Epsilon as a beautiful he = ♥♥♥) to the portrayal of human emotions as shown by Dr. Tenma or even Gesicht himself, I give a nod to Pulitzer Winner Junot Diaz's praise of Urasawa-sensei as "Japan's National Treasure."

Because Urasawa-sensei's the kind of fan that make fellow fans Happy.

With a capital H, correct.

[Poem]: Dear Love

2009-01-27T13:24:00.001+07:00

Dear Love,

Love, you are powerful, mysterious and intense as you are glompable, dorky and silly. You have depth still left unexplored yet and all, and you pretty much shape this world. You are an emotion so powerful, a puzzle so profound, a treasure so often searched for, a journey so often traveled. I admit those all, Love, really I do. But you as well make people go in a little death (French, you know I'm talking about you), go nuts, go irrational, go illogical, go brainmush and go-in-a-go-to-go. So please stop making me do the unimaginable, unthinkable and impossible like falling for married people, hooked people, people who don't even know I exist, people who don't even think twice I more than care for them.

So at least please have decency to be civil to me, thank you.

Love,
Me

2009-01-19T11:34:00.001+07:00

Within all memories, love.
Within all love, happiness.
Within all happiness, understanding.
Within all of those, God.

(Hence, we wonder where the place for sorrow is.)

To-grab

2009-01-19T03:31:00.003+07:00

Japan-centred, not in orderly list, not in listed importance, but yeah. This is my current must-grab list. :D

- Red Cliff 2 (why, yes, actually for the second and maybe third time :>)
- SASRA 3 (Midorin x Kamiyan, Mikishin x Hino)
- Kuroi Ryuu wa Nido Chikau (Yasumoto Hiroki x Kamiyan; merely because it's Aida Saki's work)
- Zoku Natsume Yuujinchou (because Ishida and Kamiyan in one series is like my wet-dream-comes-true)
- Gundam 00 Second Season (as long as they keep it up good)
- Gundam SEED the Movie (let there be one, Sunrise!)
- Ai no Kusabi 2009 OVA (without Shiozawa, let there still be awesomeness)
- HP and the Half-Blood Prince (not that I'm a fan of HP movies, no)
- and more to come...

In God We... ?

2009-01-07T23:27:00.000+07:00

More often than not we believe in God when there is Death and not when there is Life.

More here.

Last Day in the Office

2009-01-06T23:27:00.000+07:00

Back in my uni year, there's a Culture class that left me with a big impression. My professor, Mrs. Melani Budianta, began the class with this opening:

"What is history? What makes history, history? What constitutes history?"

I think this could be an illustration to an answer.

Today is my last day at the office. I'm saying goodbye to start anew in another place. Mind you, I always believe I'm a person who is always emotionally detached (no kidding) and pretty good at keeping distance from people. My frequently said so-called motto is "what doesn't concern me isn't my concern." I'm not proud of it or the state I am, but it is me and I would never, ever hate myself. However, I am fair. I apologize when I'm at the wrong, and I say thank you when being helped. That's a "when" you see good, not an "if."

And there's always a first time for everything.

My fellow workers were kind, friendly and very supportive. They didn't treat me like a new kid on the blocks, and they didn't give me the eyes when I said I was going to leave. The boss and the management, too, was super nice--and I don't go everyday praising people. You see, I won't say it in flowery way, but to put it simply, they're the kind of co-workers that you would want to be around you. They're not yet my friends, but they definitely are more than strangers. Marlowe once piped up a coined term "friengers." So be it. My ex-fellow workers are the best friengers I've met so far. I realize I've written about them in past tense, but it's only a matter of grammar, not a matter of the heart.

Of course, I'm leaving for a reason that includes my future. Then what is a future? See it this way. My future doesn't just pop up out of nowhere. I may end up a bitter or a better person, but that isn't going to happen in one single day. The me in the future is construted upon the me, me and me I am today. Today's memory is no exception, and that's my history.

And that I could live with.

2008, On My Account

2009-01-04T10:32:00.008+07:00

Let's recall what I've done, experienced and enjoyed in 2008.

First thing first, I get my undergrad degree. With an undergrad thesis on Nabokov's Lolita. Shoot me, people. And now I'm working--real work. And I'm really wondering if I shall continue my study instead.

A lot of things did happen in 2008. That said including my sis's marriage and my youngest bro's motorcycle accident (not too serious, thankfully). And Dad's moving to a new company with shorter sailing term so he could visit home more frequently. On my private life, a major breaking up wrecked a havoc. I mean, I've never been a very emotional person about my love life, but this one was serious enough. Okay, not world-shaking, but definitely upsetting. We remained best friend (as always with my exes), but this made me think deeper (with the ridiculous amount of loving cells in my brain, that is) about relationship and commitment. Because, you see, I've managed to avoid any commitment so far. I couldn't always run. One day I have to face this fear of mine. Yosh!

World-wide wise, 2008 witnessed the first black (?) President of the USA. I'm not hoping too much from Obama, but let's just hope for a better, fairer administration than Bush's. Mumbai bombing, Israel's (still continuing) aggression--no thanks to Hamas' close-minded, brainless hatred, Thailand's shaky, long road of political struggle gave a shame to civilization that affirmed my thought of how tiring democracy is and how it always depends on the people and not the system. And Indonesia? You still made me think to myself why I love you, period.

Nuff with RL. Now... things that make 2008 enjoyable for me. ^^

Books: I admit I didn't read so much in 2008, being occupied in my study and RL's stuff. However, I re-ran some old stuff and boy did that make me compare the old and the newer. Still, I enjoyed reading Dee, Benny & Mice, Andre Aciman and Randy Pausch. Rowling's Beedle the Bard was, well, somehow an unnecessary failure to present an intellectual Dumbledore. And mind that I didn't read any of Stephanie Meyer and Andrea Hirata and was missing Christopher Paolini's Brisingr and those of Trudi Canavan and Neil Gaiman. I have to say that there's nothing so groundbreaking or surprisingly fresh in 2008. I'm looking forward to having a better literature atmosphere in 2009.

Manga: Haven't I praised Watase Yuu's Sakura Gari enough? Well, duh. Here. It's being followed by Mashima Hiro's Fairy Tail (no matter how silly its jokes were), Urasawa Naoki's Pluto (like whoa), Setona Mizushiro's Kyuuso wa Cheese no Yume wo Miru (a real deal, hell-yeah-awesome) and others continuing titles like Bleach, The Lost Canvas, Nodame Cantabile and HaruDaki. And you could talk to me about Naruto after it got back on the track and stopped beating around the bush. All in all, I didn't read too many new manga this year; instead, I rejuvenated my love for older titles like Koisuru Boukun, Sakende Yaruze!, Kaze Hikaru (like ever) and Koori no Mamono no Monogatari.

2008 also marked my budding, returning interest in BL drama. Or, more correctly, in Kamiya Hiroshi. I admit I didn't pay enough attention despite his being Itoshiki-sensei's seiyuu (because no matter how hilarious Zetsubou was, it would never be my cup of tea, honestly), but Gundam 00 hit me bam-wham like yay and here I am, lying prostrated at Kamiyan's feet. :D He's addictive, full stop. Now if only there's a drama in which he's paired with Ishida Akira, I'd die a happy fan.

Anime: The second season of Gundam 00 was good in animation quality, story pace and character progress, but I greatly missed my armed interventions and political annoyances. And Tieria's pink cardigan, of course. Macross F was ear-catching (when had a Macross series never been?) as well as fanservicely eye-pleasing, and Nodame's Paris-hen was really a treat. However, I lost my appetite for watching the overabundant flow of shonen-ai-themed (or at least influenced) anime. I didn't need only pretty boys, you see.

Notably surprising, I'm glad I watched Natsume Yuujinchou. Similar anime like Kekkaishi and Tactics didn't hold my interest too long, but Natsume seemed to do well. Kamiyan's presence notwithstanding, I really liked its soft-toned animation (which kinda reminded me of Ghibli's) and lonely-yet-getting-better atmosphere. I mean, it's not everyday you would sympathize with a youkai, right? And Ishida Akira, oh Lord, I could, really I could, adore you more if only Natori didn't have that lizard birthmark. If there's one thing that could scare me out of my skin, it's lizard. *shudder*

I don't think I could manage to put a review on movie and music for 2008, so yeah. Just brick me.

I'm looking forward to a good year!

First Post in the New Year

2009-01-03T22:14:00.004+07:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

So... after almost three years not having anything to do with this blog, I'm back. As you see, I trust T-chan to guard my page. Well, he's taking a bath, but who the hell care about that? It's T-chan, so it's forgivable.

Blah.

It's another year to live with, another struggle to continue.

Note to self: I hope I'll be able to write more in this blog (but of course my LJ is still my priority ^^).

Pindahaaaaaaan

2006-05-06T01:51:00.001+07:00

Gue bakal JARANG nulis di sini karena bakal konsen di account LiveJournal gue aja.

Good Things Today: akhirnya dapet Ippome-nya Yellow Cherry dan Yellow Moon-nya Akeboshi-sama, nge-post ficcie request Shirota x Aiba, dan sukses terbengong-bengong soal lj-cut.

Not-so Good Things Today: kedinginan di 84 gara-gara lupa bawa jaket, cowok sok akrab di angkot. Oh, that so makes me remember Don't Talk to Strangers.

Bentar lagi tanggal 13! CINEPURI! CINEPURI! CINEPURI!

Notice This?

2006-05-02T21:00:00.001+07:00

Yes, people. The earring!

p.s.: I'm thinking of concentrating wholy on LJ only soon...

"I'm back" sounds really good

2006-05-02T20:57:00.001+07:00

My doctor said I have too many things in my mind.
My doctor said I need to spice up my life and enjoy it
My doctor said I have to see things positively and smile more
My doctor said I need to loosen up
I said back, “Doc, I’m a natural-born pessimist.”

I'm back to life!!!!

Arisan! is on TV series. OMGOMGOMG. Arisan! the series!

In Memoriam Pramoedya Ananta Toer

2006-05-02T20:53:00.001+07:00

Memento mori: Pramoedya Ananta Toer. Selamat jalan, Pak Pram. Saya nggak kenal Bapak secara pribadi, tapi saya sangat menghormati Bapak untuk setiap jejak langkah yang Bapak tinggalkan untuk negeri ini.

Dipanggang atas apimu
Digarami atas lautmu
(Chairil Anwar)

p.s.: Bintang, I know you're sad, but life must go on, ne?

Forum Betawi Rusuh

2006-05-02T20:49:00.001+07:00

I’m not so sure whether I’m waiting for the Huntington’s postulate to happen; the clash of civilization sounds very eerie. Honest.

My country is a great country. Like, in GREAT. No other country in this world has more than 13,000 islands, 15,000 local language, and zillions of cultural richness. No other country dances for foreigners and for a barely born child. No other country makes a tribute to a legendary figure in the mountain as well as in the sea. No other country is like mine.

No other country is like Indonesia!

Watching FBR’s chairman (I remember the name of Pugachev more than his worthless name) on debate at Metro TV with DKJ’s Mrs. Ratna Sarumpaet. Man, what I like the most is laughing at people’s stupidity, especially when said people don’t even realize they’re dead imbecile. Hello, people, I’m learning to be more mature, but I don’t think they’re able to. Stupidity is incurable for them, really.

FBR = a solid proof of Darwin’s evolution theory, because for me they look like the descendants of primates.

I often do hope that people like those in FBR or FPI would just go away and leave my country in peace. WE DON’T NEED YOU, you know. My neighbour is an indigenous Batavian family, and they never lower themselves to FBR’s level of education. I’m not saying education like in school; education is wisdom and local wisdom is a virtue. I’m not being racist or else here; I listen to gambang kromong and the late Benyamin S, and sometimes even join the ondel-ondel parade. I just want to ask those who call themselves ‘guardian of religion and Batavian culture’ (guardian my ass!); “Why, Mr. FBR, can’t you be as humble as Mr. Hoesni Thamrin? Wasn’t he a Batavian too—and a good one at that?” Or is it that Batavians no longer have even an eligible leading figure today? Because the only thing I know about FBR is how they sit together drinking coffee with golok on their waists (asshole!), waiting for public transportations to ask for the so-called retribution charge (dumb ass!) and finally threatening people to abide by their rule (shit ass!).

Pemalak! Preman bayaran bermodal keroyokan! Tong kosong berotak udang! Sampah!

And about FPI... I just don’t want to waste my words on pitiable people like them.

Orang-orang kasihan berkacamata kuda!

When people forget how to talk, they fight. When people forget how to make friends, they don’t know how to really come home.

Tersesat! Terbakar api sekujur badan!

I’m an Indonesian. I love this country. I’m proud of this country. I hope this country would never be like the state it is now; a state where only a few feels safe and at home.

Ecce Judas!

2006-04-17T13:58:00.001+07:00

"Ecce Homo!"

Kata-kata itu rasanya pantas juga diberikan untuk Yudas Iskariot. Yesus sendiri berdoa, "Bapa, ampuni mereka karena mereka tidak tahu apa yang mereka perbuat." Apakah Yudas dikecualikan dari permohonan Yesus? Mengapa Dante meletakkan Yudas di dasar terdalam neraka bersama Cassius dan Brutus? Mengapa Ratzinger menyebutnya pendosa yang mementingkan uang daripada kasih Tuhan? Mengapa Yudas disingkirkan?

Melihat dari kacamata Yudas bukan perkara gampang. Prinsip setia yang sampai sekarang masih saya pegang berteriak-teriak sampai parau ketika melihat Yudas. Berkhianat adalah tindakan murahan, paling murahan yang bisa dilakukan manusia, apalagi berkhianat pada prinsip, tapi (dengan T kapital) Yudas yang, pinjam terminologi Bung Karno, "terbakar bara revolusi" melakukannya. Apa salahnya menginginkan bangsanya merdeka? Apa yang salah dengan merasa putus asa sehubungan dengan cita-cita merdeka tersebut? Lagipula, seandainya Yudas memang pantas dinistakan karena menjual Yesus, jadi apa manusia-manusia yang selamat karena penebusan Yesus? Jadi apa? Apa bukan namanya sedikit-banyak laki-laki dari Iskariot itu berandil dalam misi penyelamatan Yesus?

Saya tidak membela Yudas. Saya hanya ingin bergembira bahwa Yesus mengampuni pembunuh-pembunuhNya. Ia tentunya tidak segan mengampuni Yudas.

Saya bukan seorang yang agamis. Saya hanya sedang berusaha menjadi manusia yang baik.

Laki-laki Ini...

2006-04-15T02:27:00.002+07:00

(Dialog nggak jelas juntrungannya ini lahir jam dua pagi... incoherency is allowed, ne...)

Saya: Aku ingin laki-laki ini melucuti pakaiannya.
M: gila lu ya! Nggak takut sama RUU APP?
Saya: APP? APPaaan tuh?
W: Gue setuju! Gue juga pengen liat ini orang buka baju! Telanjangin aja sekalian!
Saya: *siap sedia pake cambuk, borgol, dan segala sesuatu yang berbau SM*
W: Weits! Udah siap banget nih, tante!

Saya: dorongan bayi!
M: woi! Sadar kenapa!

Dan manusia ini pun terbangun, setengah ileran di depan komputer, di depan gambar ini...

In Memoriam Dmitri

2006-04-12T23:36:00.001+07:00

In Memoriam Dmitri

daster ibuku yang jatuh dari atas mesin cuci
malam ini terlihat seperti kucingku
yang melompat turun dari
keranjang tidur
tempatnya
mati

miaow.

Belalang di Dalam Kotak

2006-04-12T23:12:00.001+07:00

Mood: unclear
Music: Louis Armstrong & Duke Ellington

Dalam sebuah diskusi panas di kampus hari ini (kalaupun itu bisa disebut "diskusi"), si manusia ini belajar tiga hal penting; keberanian memilih dan menjalani pilihan, keberanian untuk mendengar dan menerima suara pihak lain, juga keberanian untuk selalu membuka dan mendewasakan diri. Alangkah sia-sianya manusia bertumbuh besar jika tidak mendewasakan dirinya.

Dulu waktu masih baca Kung Fu Boy *iya dong, siapa juga yang bisa lupain Chinmi?!*, Guru Shoshu pernah kasih perumpaan soal belalang yang dikurung dalam kotak. Kayak belalang, petarung yang cuma belajar di satu tempat nggak bakal bisa seberkembang mereka yang berani mengembara. Belalang tempur! *oh my Kamen Rider ^^*

I will not be the grasshopper in the box,
who cannot jump as high as the one who never lives in the box
I will not be the grasshopper in the box,
who never sees the world but plain, white walls
I will not be the grasshopper in the box,
who will curse a stone that halts it from jumping higher instead of its own inability

Kupikir melakukan apa yang kita sukai sama pentingnya dengan bersikap toleran kepada orang lain, mungkin. Sama pentingnya seperti menarik napas dan membuang napas, mungkin. Tapi ini adalah kata-kata seorang pemalas, pemimpi, dan pengigau, mungkin. Tapi kupikir ini ada benarnya, mungkin.

Ngomong-ngomong soal Kamen Rider, itu Katou-sama beneran euy jadi Drake di KR Kabuto. Hmmm~ "Oresama no henshin ni yoina!" *ngakak sampe mules ngebayanginnya*

Menangis, Bekerja, Bergoyang

2006-04-09T00:06:00.000+07:00

Mood: sleepy
Music: Oresama no Bigi ni Boogie-Woogie (Katou Kazuki-sama)
Quote: Oresama no bigi ni... yoina! *Sainei Ryuuji, dikau emang tak seaduhai Katou-sama, tapi gue suka cara dikau ngomong bigi itu; bener-bener bikin gue penasaran seberapa gede sih bigi-nya Atobe ampe dia bangga bener XD*

First of all... najis, judul posting gue dangdut banget!

Waktu liat Yanakou nangis, gue cuma bisa mikir, "Awww... our most beloved little boy's grown up." Padahal dia juga bukan siapa-siapa gue. Secuil inspirasi yang bernilai berbongkah-bongkah roti; mungkin begitu kalo gue harus ngomong soal Yanakou (karena gue assseli niat nyontek ucapan Neil Armstrong dengan lompatan kecil dan lompatan besarnya ^^). Mungkin nggak ya dulu nyokap-bokap gue mikir gitu pas ngeliat gue nangis justru karena senang? Kalo gue pikir-pikir... gue nggak pernah deh nangis di depan mereka. Entah siapa yang lebih kasihan kalo gini; gue apa ortu gue. Duh, jadi sentimentil malem-malem euy...

Baru nonton Hice Cool nih (ketinggalan bener pokoknya). Anjrot, jadi pengen nonton lagi, lagi, dan lagi! Oh my precious holiday! *gaya Golem pas mau nyemplung ke kawah, tapi sayangnya dia bukan Tetuko yang bisa henshin jadi Gatotkaca*

Be-te-we, lagi males nih nulis in English. Fic Coconut aja nggak kelar-kelar dari bulan lalu. Yang sukses nongol malah serentet fluffy yang bikin gue dicap fluffy-fic writer kiri-kanan *duh! kenapa juga cuma ficcies gue yang imut ^_^;*

Shiyuu (dan temen-temen lain), dikau menanya jikalau novel pratz terbit? pratz sendiri nggak tahu, hehehe... pratz itu bukan orang yang peduli 'ma urusan begituan *ditimpuk batu bata spesial pake omlet dari Amrik* Capek deh rasanya kalo orang nulis cuma karena pengen dapet penghargaan. Orang nulis ya, pinjem kata-kata The Great Sapardi yang bakal terus gue inget, karena udah jadi tugas manusia buat terus belajar. Kenapa sih orang cuma kepikiran belajar itu cuma sekolah? Trus bedanya apa 'ma rayap yang sama-sama makan sekolahan? Bleh!

Aduh, beneran deh gue! Repot juga ya jadi orang yang nggak pedulian, belagak mau hidup santai *disambit nyokap pake dekoder yang baru tadi dengan sotoynya gue rusakin*, tapi juga males susah.

Baru liat secuplik-cuplik Winterhyouteimyu dan makin bangun cinta *capek jatoh mulu, beda dong!* 'ma Katou-sama!!! Goyangnya asoy nendang, matanya asoy tajeeem *aer kali*, rahangnya asoy bikin ngeces *yumm!*, dan melebihi segala sesuatu yang diklaim suci dan nggak porno di muka bumi ini... dia pake celana pendek *bagian ini kudu ditulis kapital dan diakhiri tanda seru ples-ples-ples* di stage!!! *ngakak inget resolusi taon barunya yang nggak jalan-jalan selama dua taon ini XD* Ganteeeeng pisan dah! *pengen nge-upload gambar tapi nggak enak 'ma mbak moderator tersayang di comm myu LJ; salah-salah gue di-ban lagi* Anyway, gue kepikiran untuk mulai ninggalin blog ini dan total ke LJ biar nggak bolak-balik, tapi nggak sekarang sih.

p.s.: nggak tau nih gue tega nggak nonton Dream Live 3... pengen, napsu, niat, berhasrat, bergairah, tapi kok... nggak pengen sedih ya...

p.p.s: ada apa ya 'ma bahasa gue? Akhir-akhir ini kok rada menjijikkan...

p.p.s.n: (gue jadi inget pepesan)

Okita-sensei E no Uta...

2006-03-30T23:50:00.002+07:00

aku ingin jadi angin
yang mengantar layang-layang ke langit
sampai jatuhnya ke tanah
dan mati

(Watanabe Taeko is a goddess. Okita's portrayal in Kaze Hikaru is love.)

...A Slice of Drabbles

2006-03-30T20:28:00.001+07:00

Tentang Genius terbaru dari Tenipuri... Ryoma niatan mampus ngegundulin Atobe. Don-sama pake taruhan segala yang kalah tanding kudu cukur rambut sih! Gue nggak kebayang (baca: ngakak bo) gimana jadinya Atobe ngomong "Ore-sama no Bigi Yoi na" tanpa rambut. Oh my god, kalo begini rada-rada bersyukur juga Kazuki Kato nggak botak...

Tentang Dream Live Third... bye, Yanakou! Gue nggak lagi pengen ngomentarin soal ini, mau sedih-sedihan dulu di pojokan kamar minus diintip mbak-mbak berbaju putih gundal-gandul di pohon mangga depan rumah, hiks... (najis bahasa gue; ini mau nangis apa mau nakutin?) Aiba, yer stayin' so ye gotta be good and gimme more fanservice!

Tentang Axl and Freire... I miss you both, kiddos! Kangen diompolin, kangen, kepeleset ngejar kalian, kangen ngegigitin tangan kalian yang kayak pisang molen itu... Ngomong-ngomong soal molen, gue napsu banget makan yang digoreng-goreng malem ini... Ke Edi nggak ya? (maklum, namanya lagi bersedih nggak harus logis dong)

Tentang sejarah... kenapa orang Indonesia nggak bikin gim ato fiksi sejarah kayak orang Jepang ya? Apa karena di sini sejarah itu bikinan para preman politik? Gue suka banget maen RPG yang temanya sejarah (Genji: Dawn of Samurai, ai lope-lope yu); kali seru juga yah maenin Ken Arok di gim, hehehe...

Tentang tugas, pe-er, ujian... dunia brasa udah makin deket ke tumit neraka (doh!)

Tentang tulisan... Nishihonganji 4th Chapter udah di-upload di LJ.

Tentang liburan (finally!)... hir wi kam, Paris van Djava! Gue nggak jadi mudik sih, tapi ya udah lah. Pokoknya liburan dulu, berbalap-balap kemudian (soalnya gua nggak bsia berenang, jadi takut aja gitoh kalo naek rakit; lagi mana ada orang masih naek rakit buat piknik hari gini?)

Tentang... ngelantur. Capek ah!

Drabble: A Doctor

2006-03-10T13:30:00.001+07:00

"I would mind it very much if my lover is a doctor."

"Why? Isn't it great to have a doctor, someone who dedicates his life to help other people, as your lover?"

"Because I'm selfish."

"I... don't understand."

"Because he wouldn't only belong to me. He would also belong to his patients. I'm not good in sharing."

"...I don't understand you even more."

They leave just like that, hanging the cat far from the curiosity so that it won't get killed.)

tenimyu batal lageeee...

2006-03-10T13:26:00.000+07:00

capek gue ngejar-ngejar... ternyata emang butuh perjuangan bercucuran darah, keringat dan air mata ya buat dapet tenimyu stuffs (a-se-li, gue berdarah-darah kejedot kaca J-Ground saking sebelnya udah ga bisa pesen tenimyu)...

blearily asking myself if it's worth it!

Tired, Aren't You?

2006-03-03T16:17:00.001+07:00

Updating Nishihonganji here.

Finally had the chance to watch Brokeback Mountain yesterday. All hail Ang Lee! I think I'm going to puke for real. For some times, I think I'll avoid such things. See you later, my mangascans, my animes, my fanfictions. Sometimes, life isn't all black and white, isn't it?

I'm fed up of being told what to do and don't. I'm tired of not being trusted enough to take care of things my way. I can stay alone but independent, but I think it'd be nice if I don't always get outnumbered.

I wonder what I'll be if I don't do things, don't think, don't act as myself.

My other self says, 'You're loved. Trust me. Trust me. Trustmetrustmetrustme.'

...I don't know what to think anymore.

Resolusi?

2006-02-25T00:47:00.000+07:00

Buat yang pada tau resolusi taon baru gue buat 2005 kemaren, silakan ngakak. Taon ini resolusi gue tetep alias masih belon berobah. Heran gue, cuma dua aja ngelaksanainnya udah kayak Gatotkaca disuruh mindahin gunung cuma pake tiupan napas (which is nggak nyambung, tapi sebodo amat, gue lagi males mikir grammar dan sebererot keteraturan lain). Tau dah ntar jadinya begimana tuh resolusi...

(Bah! Cem mana pula kau! Heran, ke manakah perginya diriku yang satu ini sampai bicara seperti ini?)

Of Some Things I've Been Thinking About

2006-02-25T00:40:00.001+07:00

Mood: bored, slightly irritated without clear reasons
Music: Duke Ellington

Of Jesus and Selfishness

I wouldn’t mind if Jesus really did have a family of His very own; a wife and a child (or children). Yes, He’s The Son of God, but He’s also human, wasn’t He? I think people who say they cannot accept the idea of His building a personal family (because His family, in much bigger concept, is His church) are selfish. He already left His adherent mother, saying that every woman who followed Him was His mother or daughter—and I don’t want to place myself in Mother Mary’s place when she heard His saying that. Why can’t Jesus be selfish once again? I neither say I’m right nor the people who don’t stand shoulder to shoulder with me are wrong. In fact, I’m just a selfish person trying to defend my thought. Because, after all, isn’t selfishness a very part that makes us human?

Of Fidelity

I still think I’d be glad to have someone I would follow with all my own. I want to be able to measure my own self, and I know I need to reach that very self-centered dream of mine. A samurai could only die if Kami-sama or his master wanted him so. That’s a kind of fidelity, but I don’t think it’ll suit me. At last for now, I won’t bother myself whether having someone to follow or to die for is a bad luck or a good luck.

Of Being Alone but Independent

I don’t mind being alone. Being alone doesn’t have any relation with being lonely. Loneliness is a road people shouldn’t walk at, yet being alone is something much graceful. Being alone imbalance people’s need of acknowledgement so they’re able to be aware of themselves. If I can be strong by being on my own, by now I think I would choose to be that way; staying alone but independent.

Of Change

I don’t mind the change; I just mind to change myself to meet people’s expectation. Accept me for what I am and not for what I may become. I don’t want to change just because people ask me to. If they’re bothered with the way I am, that’s their problem. I’m content just with the way I am now.

And I don’t have any plan to change soon.

Of Commitment
(because I’m still likely glad to Avoid this damned thing...)

Don’t ask a commitment from me for it’s not something I believe in. I hate it when people demand my commitment—since I still haven’t found someone I’d lay my fidelity for, so I’ll just give you what you want as long as you give me what I want. It’s simpler that way; it’s called mutualism, and that’s the way of the world I believe in.

...Kimochi Warui

2006-02-08T23:15:00.001+07:00

Music: Rival na Futari (Tenimyu), Let the Beat Goes On (Buddy Rich), I Get a Kick Out of You (Frank Sinatra), and It Don't Mean a Thing if It Ain't Got That Swing (Duke Ellington & Louis Armstrong)
Mood: contemplative

Kalau melihat Goofy dari keluarga besar Disney, ia akan selalu teringat pada seseorang. Goofy adalah karakter yang santai, seolah hidupnya berpedoman pada que sera sera. Kalau mentok ya belok. Kalau nabrak ya cari jalan lain. Kalau hidup adalah sebuah kesusahan ya buatlah jadi gampang. Praktis.

Ia teringat pada orang itu yang kadang kala ingin menjadi pendobrak, tapi toh kemudian selalu berakhir dengan memutuskan untuk mencari jalan memutar. ‘Aku menghindari masalah,’ kata orang itu. ‘Buatku jalan memutar yang sedikit lebih jauh tidak masalah asal aku tidak merasa tidak nyaman karenanya.’

‘Kamu merasa nyaman bersikap seperti itu? Kamu cuma pelari yang tak tahu kapan harus maju.’

‘Maaf saja kalau aku harus maju mendobrak sesuatu, yang aku sendiri tidak yakin bisa mendobraknya, lalu mati dengan berani. Aku mengerti mereka yang memilih jalan kematian, tapi itu tidak berarti aku bisa menerimanya. Bagaimanapun, hidup tidak akan berubah kalau kamu memilih mati.’

‘Kamu bukan sakura yang mekar dengan berani dan gugur dengan berani pula.’

‘Aku manusia.’

‘Seorang manusia yang lemah.’

‘Tapi aku hidup.’

Ia kehabisan kata-kata dan tak pernah tahu bagaimana harus memahami orang itu.

I don’t believe in ‘You’ve done your best’ because nobody, no one, can ever measure my best
I don’t believe in ‘Good luck!’ because there’s no such thing as luck; it’s karma instead
I don’t believe in ‘It’s just a pothole on the road so overcome it’ for some potholes are just meant to be there
I don’t believe in ‘It’s a just and true thing’ for everything, anything, must go in a mutualism called balance; dark and light, lower and higher, obladi and oblada...
I don’t believe in ‘Respect your elder because they’re older than you’ for I believe in respecting people because they’re worth it
I believe in me for I’m, maybe, such a selfish jerk and I don’t think it bothers me so to know the real me behind the door I am

(...You do think I’m an escapist, don’t you?)

it don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that swing, kata duke ellington; persetankan tata bahasanya, lupakan keteraturan atau kekacauan, lihatlah rohnya
tak ada artinya sebuah kerja tanpa sesuatu yang berharga di dalamnya
tak ada artinya sebuah keberadaan sesuatu yang berharga di dalamnya
tak ada artinya sebuah kebermaknaan tanpa sesuatu yang berharga di dalamnya
tak ada artinya sebuah sesuatu tanpa sesuatu yang berharga di dalamnya
sesuatuku bukanlah sesuatumu; aku belum menemukannya sampai sekarang; sesuatuku adalah milikku yang paling berharga

di dalam jari kelingkingku

2006-02-08T23:08:00.001+07:00

Music: Nat King Cole
Mood: pensive

di dalam jari kelingkingku

di dalam jari kelingkingku tertanam patahan pensil
ia mengenal kerat daging dan lekuk urat di sana
lebih baik dari siapapun bahkan dariku sendiri
ia mengingatkan aku pada lekuk wajah dan gurat emosimu
yang tengah kugambar sewaktu ia patah lalu bersarang di jari kelingkingku
mungkin ia merasa takut untuk terus menggambar dirimu yang tak pernah kukenal

Bound to No One, Nothing, Nowhere

2006-01-30T00:10:00.001+07:00

Mood: tentative
Music: Sarah MchLachlan

Every time I look at you the world just melts away
All my troubles, all my fears dissolve in your affection
You’ve seen me at my weakest, but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land

You stay the cross you hold the line you keep it all together
You’re the one true thing I know I can believe in
You’re all the things that I desire you save me you complete me
You’re the one true thing I know I can believe in

I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do ‘cause you’re too good to fight about it
Even when I have to push just to see how far you’ll go
You won’t stoop down to battle but you never turn to go

There are times I can’t decide when I can’t tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I’d drown
But you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I’m OK
Sometimes that’s just what we need to get us through the day
(Sarah MchLachlan; Push)

I’ve once heard this: If you meet Buddha, kill Buddha. If you meet your lost father, kill your lost father. Bound to no one, so you can just live for yourself.

As twisted as I am, as someone who doubts in commitment, I don’t think it’s selfish. I don’t want to talk about love—much less stupid, no-more-than-just a physical love.

Yet... I still want someone with whom I don’t need to pretend to be everything I’m not. I still want someone who could see me behind the door I am and accept me for what I am and not for what I could become. I still want someone to whom I will lay my fidelity to.

I still want to know that kind of someone. I don’t have to have that someone, for having is possessing, I don’t have to be owned either. Maybe I have to push myself to see how far I could go in this state.
I think that the process of growing up is tiring, complicated, and such a great deal of fuss, but I can’t say I’m not going to deal with it.

You're strange, says my other half, or maybe you're just simply stupid.
I know, I answers, and I won’t pretend I am not.

Saya Masih Hidup Lho!

2006-01-25T00:44:00.001+07:00

Music: Il Divo ~ Ancora
Mood: Strange, foreign, not-so beautiful

ia bercerocos pada saya,
'ke mana aja kamu belakangan ini?
'sehat? nggak kenapa-napa, kan?
'masih waras? bagus, aku nggak ngerti harus gimana kalo kamu lebih sableng dari yang sekarang.
'apa? sakit? oh, itu wajar! kamu kan manusia!
'hah? banyak mikir? banyak kepikiran? nggak tahu mau nggak mikir apa?
'sableng! kamu ini emang udah sableng!
'bangun dong! dunia kan berubah terus!
'sampai kapan kamu sembunyi di kotak sempitmu?
'capek nih ngingetin terus!'

saya cuma bisa tertegun, memaki perlahan, "sompret."

New Entries on deviantart.com

2006-01-13T14:59:00.000+07:00

Mood: creative (since I'm finally starting to write another story after Dungeon, I guess)
Music: Kimeru

http://www.deviantart.com/view/27618106/ for Be Here (sanayuki)
and
http://www.deviantart.com/view/27617211/ for Waiting (fuji), that kinda reminds me of Akeboshi's Wind (Naruto PV)

Saya Sedang Ngawur...

2006-01-10T17:29:00.000+07:00

Doesn't Kimeru look like Kris Dayanti here? *get bricked over and over*

Inspiration (with capital I)

2006-01-08T18:23:00.001+07:00

Music: Love (See Saw; 'coz Kajiura Yuki is so much love)
Mood: too lazy to write in English, so it's now Inglish ^^

"Menurutmu apakah inspirasi itu?"

Aku bingung bagaimana harus menjawabnya. Diriku yang satu lagi sebelumnya tak pernah menanyakan hal semacam itu, tapi ah! Segala sesuatu memang berubah, bukan?

Lalu ia menuturkan sebuah kisah seorang anak yang hidup di panggung, bermimpi di panggung (kinda reminds me of a certain someone), dan berkata pada ibunya ia akan menggapai bintang-nun-jauh-di-sananya lewat panggung. Namun segalanya berubah lewat sebuah kecelakaan. Patahan rusuk (I shudder, y'know, I really do shudder) merusak paru-paru dan pita suaranya.

"Can you imagine that?"

Aku menggeleng.

Diriku yang satu lagi hanya tersenyum seakan ia sedang merasakan sakit anak itu. Ia menyambung ceritanya. Anak itu terbaring koma selama empat bulan. Dokternya berkata ia tak mungkin lagi berdiri di panggung (my mind drifts away to the memories of Pranadjaja, who died on the stage). "So much for a someone who dreams like him," kata diriku yang satu lagi. Waktu sadar, anak itu kehilangan suaranya untuk beberapa lama dan harus menerima dirinya yang lumpuh sementara.

"Dia kehilangan mimpinya?"

Diriku yang satu lagi tidak menjawabku. "Setahun kemudian dia kembali lagi ke panggung, membuat semua orang menangis melihatnya kembali ke tempat di mana mimpinya sudah seharusnya berada."

Aku belum sempat menutup mulutku sewaktu diriku yang satu lagi pergi begitu saja.

(From today on, the name of Kotaroh Yanagi will always be a remembrance for me)

G-Seed Destiny Final Episode Plus

2006-01-04T01:41:00.001+07:00

And just read my fic here: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2734246/1/

(am irritated, touched, moved and weary, and am unable to understand why while Lacus leans her head upon Kira's shoulder in the last scene, Cagalli does not do the same to Athrun.)

Happy New Year, Myself!

2006-01-01T08:38:00.000+07:00

Mood: I don’t really know
Music: Angela for Soukyuu no Fafner

I am Not a good Christian

I think I am not a good Christian, much-less a devout one

I doubt the church who always radically says that Jesus is the only way to heaven and that there is no truth outside the church

I doubt the church who says that Holy Mother Mary is not worth enough to be respected just because she built a family of her own

I doubt the church who always mentions Eve’s name altogether with the so-called original sin without really thinking how coward Adam’s scapegoat reasoning was

I doubt the church who denies the roles of women disciples and places Mary Magdalene only as a repentant sinner

I doubt the church who allegedly forbids women to have abortions without having a wise understanding for their reasons

I doubt the church who takes Peter, who denied knowing Jesus three times and even ran away from the crucifixion, as the firm rock where it is built upon

I want to believe that if I have a Heavenly Mother, then I should also do have a Heavenly Mother; because God is really rahman and rahim

I want to name my daughter Mary (the Holy mother or the one from Magdalene or the sister of Martha) or my son John; the only ones who did not run as Jesus faced the end of His life; the real Yesudas

But even so, I love Jesus, with all His humanly treats and characters, who befriended the weak and the wrongdoer, who smiled at the children and the poor, and who loved without hoping anything in return

But even so, I love Jesus, who tasted the bitterness of his closest companions’ betrayal and died in loneliness, while Prophet Mohammed and Buddha had their families and followers on their deathbeds

I think I will be more than happy to be a Yesudas than just a mere Christian.

Crawling on the ground, I see the birds off into the dark evening as the wind strokes me
I won't say that I want wings; I just want to become Melissa leaves dancing in midair, at least
(Porno Gravity; Melissa)

Newest Fic (and an Indonesian One for the First Time)

2005-12-25T23:01:00.000+07:00

It's Fuuma and Kakyou from CLAMP's X. Those angst bitches kick me here and there just to leave this perfect piece of a story unfinished... Can also Kita dan Pantai, dan Pantai, dan Pantai... here: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2719463/1/

Entah. Mentah. Bantah.

2005-12-24T00:09:00.001+07:00

Menjelang akhir tahun, ia menghitung apa saja yang tidak dimilikinya hingga detik ini.

Ia belum punya sesuatu yang ingin ia kerjakan dengan sungguh-sungguh. Ia seorang pembosan; pelari yang tak betah berkutat di satu tempat. Ia belum pernah punya sesuatu yang benar-benar ia ingin kepadanya ia abdikan hidupnya.

Ia belum punya seseorang yang kepadanya ia ingin setia. Ia skeptis soal hubungan dan ketakutan di hadapan komitmen. Belum pernah ada orang seperti itu dalam hidupnya.

Ia mensyukuri semua yang ia punya, tapi ia berharap ia tidak akan menciptakan batasan bagi dirinya sendiri; rasa puas diri dan putus asa.

Ia bertanya padaku, "Sudahkah kamu?"

Rasanya aku mulai takut melihatnya...

Waktu "Kuantar Kau ke Gerbang" Terasa Begitu Pedih

2005-12-23T22:52:00.001+07:00

Mood: ...too lazy to explain it further
Music: Prayer of St. Francis (Sarah McLachlan)

Buku Inggit Ganarsih, Kuantar Kau ke Gerbang, benar-benar membuat ia merenung. Perempuan ini sungguhlah manusia besar. Inggit mendampingi Soekarno dengan setia, tapi ketika tiba saat Soekarno yang tak tahu terima kasih mengusik perasaan keperempuanannya, Inggit memilih menyingkir, menyadari bahwa tempatnya adalah di sudut sunyi.

(Sungguhkah perempuan hanya berarti jika menjadi ibu, pikirnya.)

Ia membayangkan Soekarno menggandeng tangan Inggit, namun Inggit berhenti melangkah tepat di depan gerbang. Ia membayangkan Inggit menggeleng dan tersenyum kecil. “Sampai di sini saja,” ia membayangkan Inggit berkata. “Tugasku hanya mengantarmu ke gerbang.” Soekarno melangkah mengejar mimpinya; Inggit mundur untuk memandang dari jauh saja.

Inggit berkata kepada dirinya, “Jangan pernah lupa.”

(Jangan-jangan laki-laki hanya boleh jadi supir antar-jemput, palang pegangan tangan, lap bibir, penghasil sperma, dan tidak lebih; begitu pikirnya.)

Lama-lama aku berpikir bahwa ia mungkin sedang tersesat; tak tahu harus pergi ke mana, tak tahu harus berpegang di mana, tak tahu harus percaya pada siapa.

Pandora and the World Without Words

2005-12-21T20:24:00.001+07:00

Dedicated to: Mrs. Emma Soekarba and Mr. Rocky Gerung

Why, of all Greek mythical creatures, it had to be a woman named Pandora who opened the Doomed Box?

Now that I've been giving it some thought, I think that Pandora actually had two options when she was about to open the Doomed Box. Firstly, she could just do it to satiate her hunger of knowing what was laid inside the Box and why she was not allowed to reveal the contain. A kind of eating the forbidden apple, I suppose. Secondly, she could talk to the gods first, Zeus the almighty maybe, to ask why she could not open the Box despite her big curiosity, that surely the gods already had known.

And in the end, Pandora chose her own way; the World Without Words.

Myself, please hear the words whispered by Pandora, who has been liwing through her punishment even today, "I've chosen my way, and I've been given my deed, but in the very end, I left you Hope..."

betapa sedihnya dunia tanpa kata
betapa sepinya
waktu mulut hanya tahu membuka untuk makan
betapa sunyinya
waktu mulut tak tahu kapan bercinta dengan kata

(Sampai hari ini, saya menganggap Kata, dengan segala keterbatasannya, adalah satu dari sekian hal yang mampu membuat dunia jadi tempat yang sedikit lebih menyenangkan untuk didiami.)

To Think is a MUST

2005-12-18T01:39:00.001+07:00

Mood: agitated
Music: See-Saw Dreamfield CD

Descartes bilang, dia ada karena berpikir.

Saya bilang, berpikir adalah sebuah KEHARUSAN selama manusia masih merasa menjadi manusia.

Baca tulisan Mrs. Intan Paramadhita hari ini, dan ternganga. Bukan karena kepintarannya semata (hey, she's damn smart, but I know a lot others are, too. Smart isn't exclusive; it's sexy and inclusive), tapi karena keberaniannya mendobrak sesuatu yang buat kita orang Indonesia nyaris-mendekati-batas-tabu. Katanya, "If you have something, show it!"

Banyak pihak (once again, I'm NOT saying they're on the wrong side of the path) seolah berpikir bahwa mereka harus berdiri menghadapi serangan dari banyak sekali pihak yang dikategorikan sebagai pihak luar. Why? Why can't us live in peace? Mengapa semua harus dilihat dari kacamata 'saya dan mereka', bukan 'kita' ("Ada lagi perbedaan yang berdengung di antara 'kita' dan 'kami'," kata Kebudayaan dengan 'k' kapital)?

Saya teringat Fafner waktu satu Festum ditanya mengapa memilih berasimilasi dengan manusia daripada hidup berdampingan (ask Kazuki's twisted mother for this, for I still haven't found any clear answer for this), mengapa Festum memilih hidup di mana mereka 'menang' atas manusia dan meninggalkan komunikasi.

Maybe that's the very reason. Human wants to win because we (and I definitely am not an exception here) are afraid of not being understood if we're to lose. I think all of us have the tendency of it.

Saya berpikir betapa saya gelisah karena belum menemukan sesuatu yang ingin saya lakukan dengan tekun, betapa saya tidak bisa membenci kehidupan dengan segala tetek-bengeknya, betapa saya kelak akan merindukan mereka yang pernah hadir dalam hidup saya (that's why I dislike hospitals and cemeteries; they make me feel like a sap), betapa saya mencintai negeri ini betapapun carut-marutnya (honest!!), betapa saya berharap untuk melihat, melihat, dan melihat lebih-lebih-lebih-lebih dan lebih banyak lagi selama umur masih terentang, betapa saya ingin mendengar-bicara-mengerti begitu banyak hal yang sekarangpun belum terpikirkan oleh saya...

Buat saya, hidup memang harus berpikir; berpikir untuk hidup baik.

So now you choose to live in the world without communication? How sad. It's very sad.
~Tsubaki to Festum; Souukyu no Fafner

A Bundle of Money and Disable People

2005-12-16T05:50:00.001+07:00

Mood: wistful but glad, and... very thankful
Music: Warsaw Philharmonic Orchestra for Soukyuu no Fafner

Seorang anak, matanya terpejam tapi wajahnya begitu damai, memegang tangan kananku erat-erat dengan kedua tangannya. Katanya, “Kak, jangan takut. Tuhan mengasihi. Selamat Natal.”

Kadang apa yang terjadi dalam hidup benar-benar sesuatu yang tak dapat dibayangkan. Sesaat saya melihat lambaian lembar-lembar uang kapitalis di depan mata, namun saat berikutnya saya melihat Tuhan menyapa lewat tangan mereka yang diberikan kondisi berbeda. Sesaat saya merasa begitu kecil dibanding mereka yang menerima lebih dari hasil karyanya, namun saat berikutnya saya merasa betapa saya sudah begitu diberkahi. Inikah yang dinamakan rasa bersyukur?

Bagaimana saya tidak menangis melihat mereka memainkan musik dengan bersungguh-sungguh? Bagaimana saya tidak menangis melihat mereka menjalani hidup dengan wajah yang begitu damai? Mata saya memang melihat mereka seolah memiliki dunianya sendiri, tapi tidakkah dunia mereka juga bagian dari dunia yang lebih besar lagi? Tidakkah Yesus, Buddha, dan para Penerang Jalan yang lain berpikir hal yang sama sewaktu Mereka masih hidup? ‘Aku memiliki dunia dan tugasKu sendiri. Meski begitu, tugas dan duniaKu pun merupakan bagian dari tugas dan dunia yang lebih besar lagi’?

Janji pertama saya kepada diri sendiri adalah untuk melayani. Janji kedua adalah untuk membahagiakan, untuk melakukan sesuatu demi pemenuhan janji. Bahagia adalah proses dan bukan tujuan. Saya memang skeptis terhadap hubungan dan komitmen, tapi tidak seharusnya saya lupa bertanya bagaimana saya bisa menjadi bahagia kalau saya tidak membahagiakan diri saya sendiri? Tentunya pemenuhan janji adalah bagian dari kebahagiaan. Jangan pernah lupa.

Damai bagi semua. Tuhan mengasihi.

The Fool's Corner

2005-12-15T00:27:00.001+07:00

Music: Morrisey
Mood: sleepy, tired, restless

Aku patah hati (telah, sedang, dan masih akan terus).

Kadang terlintas dalam pikiranku: apakah aku hidup dengan mengorbankan orang lain? Apakah aku hidup dengan menginjak kebahagiaan orang lain? Apakah aku seperti rerumput yang menganggu tumbuhnya bunga? Mungkin ketika aku hidup untuk seseorang, seseorang itu juga hidup untuk orang lain, lalu orang lain itu hidup untuk orang yang lain lagi, dan seterusnya sampai entah di mana ujung yang tak berujung, banyak yang tak berkesudahan itu.

I'm just someone who prefers to sit quietly at the fool's corner, drifting and drifting away, fading and fading away...

I'm not depressed, though. Sometimes, I do really think I need this sadness to make me the human I am grow more mature.

(+)What do you feel when your heart ache, break and bleed?
(-)It's so sad and painful, but I think I'm growing up, at the very least.

Aku masih ingin hidup...

Let Me Hear

2005-12-10T08:54:00.001+07:00

Music: Trinity Blood OST
Mood: in turnmoil

We've never had anything from the very start. What we've ever had is just a false beginning. So... look at me in the eyes and say clearly; "We have nothing."

You can, can't you?

My Novel Got Selected

2005-11-29T20:32:00.001+07:00

Mood: pleased
Music: Rakuen (Do As Infinity)

"That gotta be the greatest birthday present for you."

That person said that with a straight face while that person totally forgot to at least say happy birthday to me...

I don't know if I should be happy or not now that the first step to the fulfillment of my promise to God has already reached. I'm happy because I've been given a chance to prove myself, yet I don't know if I could still be happy to know that rougher road is there before me.

Thank you, Grasindo. Thank you, my family. Thank you, my selves--pratz and I. Thank you, God.

Happiness?

2005-11-20T22:20:00.001+07:00

Mood: grateful
Music: What a Wonderful World (Louis Arsmtrong)

It’s easy to be happy, Well, at least I think so. Banyak hal yang dengan mudah dapat membuat saya tersenyum. Tukang becak yang mengucapkan terima kasih setelah saya membayar; anak SD yang ikut menyeberang jalan bersama saya; kemenangan tak terduga di acara kampus; pelukan selamat ulang tahun tengah malam buta waktu menginap di rumah kawan; dan sekian banyak yang lainnya. Above all things, I think I‘m happy because I still know to be thankful and cherish the fact that I am happy indeed.

Now I understand why Louis Armstrong’s What a Wonderful World is eternally evergreen. It’s simple, chastise, and yet runs very deep.

Why does one bother about what the meaning of being alive is yet forget to be happy?

Recently I only know this much, but I’m willing to take it more up my sleeve.

p.s.: happy belated birthday, my other self. I know we’re not always in the best term, but I hope we’ll always be able to get along well. You and I both alive, and we’ll make sure we’re happy.

Fidelity, Truth and Honour

2005-11-13T08:42:00.001+07:00

Mood: pleased
Music: Sekai no Yakusaku (Chieko Basho; Howl no Ugoku Shiro)

Nyaris ditilang kemarin membuatku berpikir betapa sesungguhnya kesetiaan dan kehormatan belum tiada dari sekitarku. Seorang polisi jujur dan bijak membuktikan bahwa cara berpikirku salah. Ah, aku memang seorang pesimis, yang lahir untuk mencela, dan aku tak punya niat untuk berubah. Namun, rupanya aku masih harus belajar banyak untuk melihat dunia dari jendela yang lebih besar.

Setia karena benar. Benar karena setia.

Bukankah indah bila dunia bergerak seperti itu adanya?

To know better is to understand. To understand is to love better.

2005-11-04T00:58:00.001+07:00

Mood: sad
Music: still Fafner OST

When I was in the process of writing Dungeon, I happened to think this way: how lucky Erian is to get the chance to know her parents better.

Kupikir saya tidak—belum—mengenal orang tua saya sendiri seperti Erian.

Menurut saya, ia adalah laki-laki yang tak pernah menilai seseorang sebagai si picik atau si jahat, tapi menurut mereka yang lebih dulu mengenalnya ia adalah seseorang yang kecewa pada mereka yang ada di sekitarnya, namun tak bisa berbuat banyak untuk mengubahnya.

Now that I find it feels sad, I think I’ve become a bit more mature...

We are foolish; that’s why we are humans.

I want to hear more; I want to know better, I want to understand better.

I want to be—

—just me.

Betapa Beruntungnya Saya

2005-11-02T01:25:00.001+07:00

Mood: contemplative
Music: Soukyuu no Fafner OST

Entah mengapa, hari ini saya merasa menjadi seorang manusia yang sangat beruntung...

Beberapa teman lama menawari pekerjaan (saya selalu menyebut apapun yang saya lakukan dengan "kerja") yang berprospek cerah. Waktu itulah saya sadar bahwa segala sesuatu zaman kini mesti dipikir dari sisi profitnya. Hah! Betapa melelahkannya kalau harus jadi perhitungan terhadap segala sesuatu.

Is mankind made from wealth?

So... I guess I'm still lucky indeed since it's quite rare for me to think about profit or such...

Sedih Betul Rasanya

2005-10-29T02:46:00.000+07:00

music: One-Winged Angel (FF VII Sephiroth AC Version)
mood: quite trapped in agony, I think

sedih betul rasanya harus pura-pura mati rasa saat sebenarnya merasa mati. sedih betul, aku pikir, harus menutup mata untuk membohongi diri sendiri. sedih betul rasanya berada di posisiku; menara mercusuar yang kesepian dan hanya bisa berfungsi (bukan bermakna).

sedih betul rasanya melihatmu bersamanya.

29 Oktober

2005-10-29T02:40:00.001+07:00

Happy delighted birthday, Athrun!

flash disk kampret pake rusak
dunia kuliah lagi ngeselin
kawan kerja rusuh
apa nggak ada yang kerasa bener saat ini
atau aku yang sama sekali nggak bener

~pratz
(yang lagi suntuk)

Unreasonable Fear

2005-10-22T00:52:00.001+07:00

I feel so fucking stupid 'coz just now I've experienced some unreasonable fears all 'coz of a bunch of stupid ghost piccies made by some stupid psychos!

Kata Ayahku

2005-10-13T19:10:00.001+07:00

Mood: tired, yet sated
Music: That's Life and Under My Skin (Frank Sinatra)

Kamu adalah seorang pemimpin yang intimidatif dan penekan. Yang berbakat menjadi diktator. Yang akan melakukan segala cara supaya kelompokmu berhasil menancapkan bendera paling dulu di puncak. Yang tak akan segan menyepuh tanganmu dengan besi.

Yang tak keberatan berlumur keringat, air mata, atau bahkan darah.

Kamu juga orang pertama yang akan berteriak pada saat kelompokmu terusik.

Begitu kata ayahku kepadaku.

Kehilangan...

2005-10-11T20:27:00.001+07:00

Mood: quiet
Music: Morrisey

Melihatmu bersamanya membawaku kepada pertanyaan: apakah memang “kita” tak boleh menjadi? “Us” is not meant to be. Getir memang. Aku mengingat kembali pemikiran bahwa kecemburuan adalah menginginkan apa yang pernah—atau sedang—kita punya sementara keirian adalah menginginkan yang tak pernah kita punya.

Berarti aku adalah seorang yang iri.

Ah, semua berjalan begitu cepat sekelebat cahaya. Mungkin besok aku bahkan sudah tak mengingat bahwa aku pernah berpikir “kita” masih mungkin menjadi. Melupakan adalah bagian dari sistem defensif menjadi seorang manusia. Dengan melupakan kita melindungi diri dari rasa sakit. Dengan melupakan kita menjelma landak yang ingin berkawan namun penuh duri, menjelma angin yang lalu tanpa pernah peduli.

Tapi aku tak ingin melupakanmu.

Aku pun tak ingin kau melupakanmu. Kata Yuzuriha dari X lagi (akhir-akhir ini aku sering mengingatnya); kalau kehilangan orang yang disayangi, akan sedih melebihi mati. Ketiadaan adalah sesuatu yang menyakitkan pada saat seseorang pernah berada tinggal selangkah lagi dari merasa sempurna. At least, I want to remain your friend. Is that too much of a question for you?

I hope it is not.

Akhir-akhir ini, angin terasa begitu sedih, begitu jauh, begitu kesepian...

Adalah

2005-10-08T08:13:00.001+07:00

Mood: still
Music: Link (L'arc~en~Ciel)

adalah

suka tak suka
benar adalah benar
indah adalah indah
(mungkin benar adalah indah adalah benar)

suka tak suka
kau adalah kau
aku adalah kau
(mungkin kau adalah aku adalah kau)

suka tak suka
kita saling
suka

(Oct 06, 2005)

Adalah Angin

2005-10-08T07:59:00.001+07:00

Mood: fairly relaxed
Music: Still a Friend of Mine (Incognito)

adalah angin

adalah angin pada padang
membisik sunyi
menyesau senyap
adalah angin pada tangan
membelai sunyi
mengusap senyap

adalah angin pada hati
menuai nestapa
"aku sayang padamu."

(Oct 10, 2005)

Jawaban Buat "Tertinggal"

2005-10-04T20:07:00.001+07:00

Mood: weary
Music: Trouble (Coldplay), Secret Garden (Bruce Springsteen)

sungguh, semuanya sudah kau kembalikan
kecuali hatiku

*laugh bitterly*

I don't wanna ask why. I don't wanna know why. I just happen to be curious why.

Waktu aku persiapkan presentasi tentang seppuku, aku berpikir alangkah beruntungnya aku tidak punya seseorang yang aku ingin mati untuknya. Meski begitu, jauh, jauh di sudut terdalam hatiku, bahkan dirikupun ingin seseorang yang kepadanya aku akan setia. Mungkin tidak sampai mati, tapi sampai penghabisanku, titik nolku.

to live is to struggle.
to love is to be

Bali Bombing Part II

2005-10-01T23:50:00.001+07:00

Another sadist bombing has just happened again. Images of dying innocent people flow through my mind. I’m so sick of this endless circle of violence happens in this Land. Perhaps I’m still a child who doesn’t understand things very well, but I could learn to decide the right and wrong. I’m neither a sage nor a philosopher, but I know violence is NEVER a way.

We are humans. We measure ourselves from the way we treat others.

Mencintai air
Harus menjelma ricik
MencintaiMu
Harus menjelma aku
(Sapardi Djoko Damono; Sajak-sajak Kecil Tentang Cinta)

Tak usahlah bicara tentang mencintaiMu dengan m kapital pada bagian -mu. Bicaralah dulu tentang mu dengan m normal pada bagian –mu. Mencintai sesama dengan menjadi diri sendiri. Apakah para pengebom pernah berpikir bahwa untuk mencintai sesama mereka harus menjadi dirinya sendiri dulu? Bukankah “apa yang kamu lakukan bagi saudaramu yang terkecil, manusia, kamu lakukan untukKu”? Bukankah di dalam sesama kita melihatNya?

Gilakah para pelaku pengeboman? Terbuai oleh indahnya mimpi untuk mati mulia. If it so, then FUCK dying honourably! Persetan dengan slogan mati mulia! What’s the point of dying if that only means escaping from life?

Because I believe that to live is to struggle.

And because I believe that to be is to love.

I, a human, am proud to learn to be not as close-minded and sickly crazed as those ruthless bombers.

Why are human not to be killed?
Because there’ll be someone who’ll mourn.
(Yuzuriha Nekoi and Kusanagi Shiyuu; X vol.13)

A Moment with Sapardi!

2005-10-01T14:09:00.001+07:00

Seorang dosen saya, Ibu Ida Luhukay yang saya hormati, pernah berkata bahwa terus menulis juga berarti terus belajar. Kemarin seorang yang juga amat saya hormati, Sapardi Djoko Damono, mengatakan hal yang sama.

Pak Sapardi, saya tidak akan melupakan hari di mana saya bertemu Bapak!

A Coconut Thrown by a Monkey

2005-09-29T21:32:00.001+07:00

My newest fanfic, Ahrun AND Cagalli ones, titled A Coconut Thrown by a Monkey.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2597132/1/

Strange title... naughty, naughty me...

Milikku Untukmu

2005-09-28T17:10:00.001+07:00

Mood: delirious
Music: Louis Armstrong

Kadang aku tergoda untuk berpikir mengapa Hatta dan Soekarno sampai berpisah...

Aku tidak pernah berpikir ataupun berkeinginan menjadi seorang etnosentris, tapi kupikir jawabannya adalah karena Soekarno adalah orang Jawa dan Hatta orang Sumatera. Bangsa petani sawah memiliki cara hidup dan adat yang jelas berbeda dengan bangsa peladang. Mungkin itu jurang milik Hatta dan Soekarno? Mungkinkah itu juga jurang kita? Rasanya aku ingin menertawakan diriku dan dirimu yang sudah bertingkah kekanak-kanakan, membiarkan diri terjebak dalam kondisi brengsek yang ingin kusumpahi sepanjang segala abad...

Kata seorang kawanku, tak ada yang lebih menyakitkan di dunia ini dibanding cinta bertepuk sebelah tangan. Apakah milikku untukmu adalah cinta? Ataukah kesetiaan? Ataukah hal yang lain?

Tentangmu. Aku ingin belajar lebih banyak lagi tentangmu. Lebih. Dan lebih lagi.

p.s.: aku harus presentasi besok, tapi pikiranku melayang tak mau diajak bekerja sama...

Di Balik Punggungku

2005-09-26T11:26:00.001+07:00

di balik punggungku
ada kamu
rupanya kita telah
tidur
bersama

Music: Sinatra's
Mood: wobbly

Will you want me to hold you? Will you want me to never let you go? Will you want me to have you? Will you want me to want you?

mungkin di batas asa
ada harap
demi bahagiamu
mungkin di batas asa
ada kita

So. Fucking. Tired. My department initiation, Gathering '05, was finished happily yesterday, and it gave me a badly sore throat and hellish weariness. Happiness is not without cost, isn't it?

I'm not a workaholic, fortunately. Wanna sleep all day long...

Disapa

2005-09-17T11:52:00.000+07:00

Mood: happy, glad, tremenduosly relieved
Music: (still) Kimi wa Boku ni Niteiru

Kemarin bicara denganmu. Bukan tentang hal-hal pribadi, memang. Tapi bagiku sudah satu kemajuan besar dari hari-hari nirkata yang lalu. Teruslah menyapaku. Aku akan terus berdiri di belakangmu.

Menyapa

2005-09-17T11:47:00.000+07:00

Mood: tired
Music: Kimi wa Boku ni Niteiru (See-Saw)

My long-postponed novel is finally finished.

Aku menyapa filsafat hari ini. Dunia yang kukira begitu jauh dari genggaman ternyata begitu dekat. Seperti tali sepatu yang lupa ditalikan erat-erat. Aku ingin menggandeng tangan filsafat mulai sekarang. Sebagai diriku sendiri.

Novel Nggak Kelar-kelar

2005-09-10T12:53:00.000+07:00

Mood: rushing
Music: album Gadis Kecil - Dua Ibu

My oh my, novel ndak kelar-kelar padahal tinggal lima hari dari target awal! Ternyata memang benar berkata memang lebih mudah daripada berbuat...

Oh, and I'm a natural-born pessimist, but it's not my nature to just surrender and leave!

Learn from 'Kesewotan'

2005-09-09T23:24:00.001+07:00

Mood: contemplative
Music: Hagaren OST

Learn something from someone's 'kesewotan' (is that really a word actually?). Yesterday, I almost snapped at my group's practice, and this someone simply just had to spill out earlier: "Okay, time's to sober up. Captain's gonna be angry if we don't!" At first I think it's this person's way to irritate me (we're not in a really good lately), but now that I have the time to think it better, I appreciate it as a way in helping me. Hell, I'd really snap, but this person noticed and I was helped. I don't know if this person realized it back then, yet I could hope, couldn't I? (I'm a helpless dreamer...) Lending a hand doesn't always come in a smooth way, does it? Even a tiger would throw its pup to a cave to make it stronger.

If that certain person read this, I deeply thank you. And I miss you even more now that we're a bit apart.

p.s.: maybe I wasn't very right when I decided to follow this person's back, but I'm willing to walk on the path I've chosen myself.

Tora! Tora! Tora!

2005-09-09T22:58:00.001+07:00

I met this certain guy today. Tora's really a sweetie in heart... *swoon*